Why it shows up after real imbalance, not random resentment
A running tally rarely appears out of nowhere — it usually develops because an actual imbalance was never resolved through direct conversation, so keeping count became the only way the unfairness got tracked at all.
Why it corrodes things even when the score is accurate
Being technically right about who did more doesn't repair the relationship — a scorekeeping dynamic replaces goodwill with accounting, and accounting rarely makes anyone feel more loved, even when the numbers are correct.
How it tends to escalate
Once both people start keeping score, every contribution starts getting made partly for the record rather than for its own sake — which drains the generosity out of gestures that used to not need to be tracked at all.
What actually needs to happen instead of the tally
Naming the specific imbalance directly — not the whole history of who did what — and renegotiating it going forward is usually what the scorekeeping was standing in for the entire time.
Noticing an urge to keep score isn't a character flaw — it's usually a sign that an actual imbalance needs a direct conversation, not a reason to feel guilty for noticing the imbalance in the first place.
Recognizing the pattern in general helps. Naming the one imbalance you've been silently tallying is the harder, more useful thing to look at. Name that imbalance, in OLENRI