Why it works so quickly
The reversal happens fast enough that you can end up apologizing for bringing something up before you've even processed that it happened — the speed is a feature, not an accident, because it short-circuits the original point before you can defend it.
The 'attack' step is often disguised as a fair complaint
'You always do this, you're so sensitive, you never let anything go' sounds like a grievance, not a tactic — which is exactly what makes it effective at derailing the actual conversation onto your character instead.
How to recognize it in real time
Notice if the conversation has moved away from the specific thing you raised and onto a referendum on you as a person — that shift, more than any single line, is the signal that DARVO is running.
Why naming it out loud tends to stop it
Saying 'this feels like you're turning this around on me' doesn't need to win the argument — it just needs to interrupt the automatic sequence long enough for the original point to stay on the table.
DARVO is a documented pattern studied in contexts ranging from personal relationships to institutional responses to abuse allegations — recognizing it doesn't require assuming the worst about every disagreement, just noticing when this specific sequence repeats.
Recognizing the sequence in general helps. Naming the specific moment the subject changed in your last hard conversation — not the whole argument — is the harder, more useful thing to look at. Name that shift, in OLENRI